Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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