i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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