tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
