I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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