I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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