I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
