At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
