his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
