I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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