I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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