I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
