if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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