I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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