Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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