i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
