I cannot find my penis.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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