I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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