every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My liver just had a heart attack.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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