did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
do nipples grow back?
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