im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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