You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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