I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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