I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
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Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
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No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind