I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize