I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
