as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
