There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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