You're my little dorito
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
