So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
