Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
