Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
