I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Life is so much better after having sex.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
