I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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