I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
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I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
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He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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