I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
