where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize