The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
