"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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