I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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