I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
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I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
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I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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