Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
