Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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