Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you inspire me to be a worse person
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Randomize
