: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
