remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Randomize
