After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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