watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
