I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
