why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
