i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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