Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
