I'm gonna have a badass scar
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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