the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
