Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
