I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
