I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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