I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
