Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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