When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
