Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
