Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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