and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
